it's so funny to read through my old posts and track my evolution.  and it's also sad to see myself making the same mistakes.  and it's funny to see the warning signs from last year for the things that have happened this year.

something terrible happened this spring.  someone hurt me very deeply, and in turn caused me to hurt myself very deeply.  but i had no choice.  once again, all my fault.  and i will never be the same.  it's something i'll live with for the rest of my life.  i've accepted it and know that it was the right thing to do for myself, but it still hurts. i know this is all very cryptic, but i really can't reveal more.

R just moved to Los Angeles and is living in a recovery house.  it's like rehab, but not clinical rehab, more of an AA type of thing.  he's not an alcoholic, or even addicted to anything in particular, but he's had enough with the drugs and wants to quit everything period.  i'm so proud of him.  we became very close.  he's practically my best friend.

i lost some friends this year, which is very sad.  i lost my best friend since middle school.

it's a sad story.  i met the guy who is currently her boyfriend and befriended him, then when she failed out of college i introduced her to him (as a friend).  they ended up getting together.  we would all hang out and everything was dandy but then something changed and i can't for the life of me figure it out.  oh of course there are a few things, some rude things over facebook comments, but i won't get into that.  her boyfriend pulled her away from me for some reason.  i miss her.  in the end she probably wasn't a good influence on my life, but we were still best friends and highly compatible and i miss the shit out of her a lot of the time.

BUT i also made some new friends! which is good, since they're in college too and keep me grounded and focused.  another one of my best friends, K and i had some problems.  we drift apart because of her stupid disgusting girlfriend, then drift back together.  they broke up (again) thank god, and this time i think it might be permanent.  one can only hope.

relationships are nothing but trouble.

speaking of which, that idiot i dated (i like to call him my little lapse in judgement) never paid me back.  fucking lowlife.

remember D?  that guy i was hooking up with?  totally fucking in love with him.  and of course he has a girlfriend now.  and i really just wanna go homewreck the shit out of their relationship.  it's so empowering to know that i could destroy their whole world in a matter of 5 words or so.  

1. your

2. boyfriend

3. fucks

4. me

5. (bitch!)

ha.  i would love that.  but then he would hate me and i'd be in an even worse position.  

he still hits me up to hook up sometimes.  i usually say yes.  i figure that if he wants to do that it's his own business and he can do it on his own conscience.  it's none of my concern.  i'm here to please :P

we hung out on his birthday and didn't have sex.  which is unusual.  it was a lot of fun.  i snuck out in the middle of the night and he picked me up.  we went to his (empty) house and just listened to music and smoked and talked and he played his guitar and then we took a walk and looked at the stars and before he dropped me off he kissed me.

oh lord.  i melt.

i hate that he has so much power over me.  he makes my knees weak.  and i'm sure he knows.  and probably thinks it's funny.  

we saw each other at a mutual friend's house the night before R left.  when everyone was together we mostly avoided eye contact.  or he did anyway.  i kinda did too.  but when we were alone, for a split second, we looked at each other and i felt like there was an electric current passing between us.

sigh.  i'm such an idiot.

wow I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd written anything!  Well anyway.  I don't even know where to begin.

I dated some douche for most of the summer.  What a waste.  In other news, I've been working quite a bit this summer and making a fair amount of money.  I've been volunteering at the Humane Society when I can, not really skating much at all, but I arranged my school schedule so that I'd be able to skate during the school year, pretty reliably.  I'll still have both my jobs...

My hair is finally back to its natural color, blonde.  I'm looking all tan and sheeyit and I'm in close to the best shape of my life.  I don't smoke cigarettes, I don't do any hard drugs....well most of the time anyway.

Douche i was dating owes me money....of course.  school starts on monday.  I have mixed feelings.  i'm ready for school, but not ready for summer to be over (I know that makes no sense).

I've made a few trips up to chicago this summer to see my best friend, and i really can't think of any better therapy for my oft-battered soul.

i've lost some friends, and i can't wait for school to start so i can make some new ones.

and that's all i got.

it changes. 

at first you're just horny.  that spot between your legs sends a message to your brain that says it wants something to touch it.  there's no one around....maybe you do yourself.  or find someone who will. 

but the phone goes unanswered.  the feeling persists.

it goes on like this for days, you don't know when it will end.  at times it consumes you, its the only thought in your head.  it starts to drive you crazy.

and then it changes.  it intensifies...but you can't really tell, because it's become you.

the change is perceptible.  suddenly i am no longer a girl with a desire....it becomes me.  I am the sexual energy.  I am both slow and frenzied, and careful and gratifying and thoughtful and profound and...

beautiful.

Meticulous.  Wise.  Able.

I'm a genie in a bottle baby....come come come on and let me out.